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| What a hideous, purple fiend!! |
We arrived at the land of the One-Eyed One-Horned Flying Purple People Eaters, and without knowledge of their barbaric ways, my friends and I decided to get of our cruise ship. I was in mid-conversation with the one called Poly, and all of a sudden he scooped up two of my men in his strong, blistery hands. He then declared, "You two shall battle to the death, and the loser shall be my meal! Also, if the other is too badly injured, I shall also eat him." He was after all a People Eater, according to the name of his race. He also never accomplished actually finishing two men in one meal, I suppose his eye was bigger than his stomach.
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| The deadly arena. |
The battle was horrifying and malicious; I wanted nothing more than to stab him in his cruel heart for making my men do this, but I realized he used a heavy steal slab as a door to the arena where we were kept for battle, and there was absolutely no way my men and I could bear to move it. Killing Poly right then would have meant sacrificing ourselves too, so I knew I needed to come up with a plan.
Of course, throughout my planning process, which lasted a few days, he continues to devour more and more of my men after they died in battle, and I knew I needed to act quickly. I had some men start collecting bone remains and we sharpened, shaped, and attached them to make a long spear. We would use this to blind the People Eater, and we kept it hidden under the floor of the battle stage. Finally, when everything was set in stone, the time came for Poly to be punished.
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| That got him wasted. |
I began my evil plan by offering the People Eater some hard liquor, which he chugged, and he then requested more. I continued to serve him the wine until he was a drunken fool. He had drunken two handles worth! At this moment I decided to reveal my name to him, as he had asked me for it earlier. Instead of giving him my actual name though, I thought it would be better to play a trick on him. So I told him, "Poly, you ask me for my famous name... Nobody is my name." He believed me, and then began to vomit profusely before passing out.
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I know, I know, I looked like a barbarian.
But a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. |
It was time to act with the spear. I started a fire by holding paper up to a light bulb, and I quickly shoved the spear into the fire waiting for it to heat up enough. Once ready, four men and I charged and speared Poly right in the eye. We twisted the weapon in his eye, watching the his eye scorch and the blood fly. He cried out in pain; he was blinded. He screamed for help to the other One-Eyed One-Horned Flying Purple People Eaters yelling, "Nobody is killing me by force or treachery!" My men and I silently laughed at this, for the other People Eaters completely ignored him, thinking he was making a scene of nothing. I was so proud of my clever name. My men and I had one more trick up our sleeves. After he threw the steal door out of the way to exit the arena to fly to a doctor, we barged to the opening. He could still somewhat see figures moving, and he stomped in front of us and yelled, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" We then revealed the rope we had been running with and ran around his ankles. After a few moments, he fell to the floor, struggling with the knot around his feet. My men and I sprinted to the open door, and as I was about to step out of sight from him, I turned and said, "Hasta la vista, baby," hoping that I would never actually see him again in my life.
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My sand version
of the evil one eyed thing. |
It was a crazy time, and unfortunately I lost many men due to the purple beast. I do want everyone to know I am unharmed from the encounter, and the rest of my men and I are off to sea again. We'll be sure to lie by the pool on the ship and enjoy a beer or two (or a few). Hopefully we don't have anymore deadly confrontations.
I love and miss you all terribly, especially Penelope, my love, and Telemachus, my brave son.
-Odysseus
